ok i have resisted from posting this but its needed to be written cause if not i dont no how i willreact to the rest of my life!
ok a month and 2-3 weeks ago i went to a party
background: ollie hated me for telling him i liked him...met a guy for jared who really liked me for me and we really bonded! i was still head over heels for ollie and i guess maybe i am a little!
ok so that night: me and ollie argued because me and jared were getting along and he said that i had moved on quick when he had told me that he didnt want to be with me!
so was really angry and upset that he could be so just soooo erghhh
and drank a lot of vodka ok so blanked out the whole night apart from when the drink leaves my system theres a guy on top of me. ok so i cant be bothered to explain the rest word for word....but i find out that it wasnt just him i had slept with there was a nother guy! soo i had lost my virginity i felt dirty and skanky!
i had to get the morning after pill...done....ok so then the texts start coming in 2 guys tell me there sorry they didnt stop it...they understand....the rest...your a slag...your skank...2 guys in one night thats filth...the worst ollie...he blows i all out of proportion and gets angry and wont let me explain that i didnt want to do it that i was drunk and i didnt no what i was doing......
soooo jared is really caring about the whole thing he helps me through...but for 4 days i lock my self in my room and cry....cry myself to sleep and wash 3 times a day i feel dirty and disgusting and i just want to be rid of the whole situation.
so i go on hoilday its great i feel away from it and no one knows about it so i feel free and relieved everything is going to be great....one night i tell my cousin in faith she tells me i could do them for rape shes right i was raped! i was drunk and taken advantage of....i dont want to use that word because i dont want to do them cause who knows what i was like...but basically it is i wouldnt of slept with them other wise i wouldnt of even touched them! so i get back thinking shit i was raped!
it hits me im scared what people are going to say when i see them again....two nights after i get abck i wake up crying thinking about it i cant sleep the next night samething it keeps happening i wake up crying about what happened! i feel inncoent and used and i dont want a relationship i dont want sex i dont want anything with a nother guy like that im to scared!
so i go out for a meal and ollie is there he doesnt speak i swear there all talking about me....my best friend still doesnt seem to realise the shit i have been through....ollie talks to me...a first for 1 month and 2-3 weeks he says whats wrong im like wth hes eing nice i go waht you mean....he says your not marylinda (like the choclate biscutes) anymore...one of my nicknames... its like why are you being nice i tell him cause he was the one who hurt me the most. he says why didnt you tell me before i try to explain to him i did but he wouldnt listen he appoligise and says he takes everything back! its just still it doesnt help i was basically raped and theres nothing i can do to change it even if i want to i have been scared for life and i dont no when things will be good again. i am starting school again soon and im just gonna take the bullshit as long as ollie understands....
im not saying i want sympathy i just needed to let it out....my life is good as it is..this shit thing is nothing my best friend loves me she jsut doesnt no how to handel theses things i have guys who like me i just dont want them and ollie is talking to me again thats good... this one thing is just something that is a hiccup in my life again and i just wanted to write about it cause it hurts me so much.
signed : confessions of a teenage drama queen